Hold your heart

"What kind of heart doesn't look back?" Sara Bareilles asks and I reckon she's right.

Had life not dealt us a hand, February shall have been one helluva memorable month with a triple whammy of celebrations: 1) our anniversary; 2) her birthday; and 3) my birthday. What about Valentine's Day, you ask? We're not firm advocates of this Hallmark-created holiday with all its mushy and pretentious hullabaloo. Methinks that if you truly are in love with a person, everyday is a celebration of your love. You show your appreciation in little ways day in and day out, not in a one-time, big-time exhibition of expensive gifts or four-course meals. But I digress.

So we will not be celebrating anything this month. Oh, there will be greetings and maybe dinner. This thought still saddens me; one can’t help but reminisce from time to time and certainly, despite everything that’s happened, I will always cherish our time spent as lovers and partners. On the same note, I look forward to the time we will continue to spend as very good friends. No love lost for this girl.

Perhaps you being my first love has swayed this heart from being vindictive or holding a grudge. I refuse to dwell on the negative; instead, I will focus on the many happy memories we made. Truth be told, Grumpy Bear, there were many, and these memories definitely outweigh the bad.

It is without pain or feeling of loss that I write this ode to you. It could be that I’ve moved on. Who knows? But one thing is for certain, I finally understand.

So I’m letting you go. This time without strings, I will let you fly. And if in time that God will work his magic and we find ourselves together looking at the possibility of another chance, it will be most welcome. But until then, I will find my place in the world and you, too.

It took me a while to arrive at this point. I realize now that I clung to the illusion of “us” in the unhealthiest manner. Simply put, my heart, in all its bullheadedness, refused to fold. And in my naiveté, I didn’t want to give up without a fight. I guess I needed to fight to understand that there are things that one must let be. This is one of them.

Now I bid goodbye to what might have been. No longer will I get caught in the web of what could be. So despite February being uneventful where we are concerned, I am happy and content. I bid goodbye to a lover and welcome a friend. A very good friend.