In which I can't stop writing

Delubyo

Walang pakundangan ang pag-agos ng mga itim na luha sa mga namumula kong pisngi. Pagod. Pagod na'ko sa kakaiyak. At sa kakaisip. Ilang gabi din kitang hinintay, ilang gabing ibinaon ko sa alak ang delubyong dulot mo sa pobre kong puso.

Ngayon nanunumbalik ang mga alaala mo, mga alaala nating dalawa. Ang mga lasing na simula. Mga patagong halik sa kwarto ni Tina, ang mahigpit mong yakap sa hagdan habang nakatalikod si Cara. Ang muling pagkikita at ang pagpapasya na, "Ano? Akin ka na lang ha."

Mistulang bagyo kang dumating sa buhay ko. At nagpakalunod ako sa paanyaya ng iyong matatamis na halik at sa mga nakakahumaling mong bulong, dala ang pangako ng marahas at madamdaming pagtatalik. Puso, katawan, buong buo kong inialay sa'yo ang sarili ko.

Sayang, at kinailangang humantong sa ganito. Ang palitan ng masasakit na salita, kung saan mangiyak-ngiyak akong nagmakaawa na, "Huwag muna ngayon, saka na natin pag-usapan ito. Saka na. Pakiusap, saka na."

Sa loob-loob ko, "Hindi na. Ayoko na." Bukas na ang mga mata ko sa katotohanang tapos na ang lahat, at walang sukling maiaabot ang nasalanta kong puso kundi, "Patawad, minsang mahal. Huli na ang lahat para sa ating dalawa."

Ganun pa man, "Salamat." 

Tandaan mo, wala nagkasala, biktima lamang tayo ng mapaglarong tadhana. 

Ang Sagot

Ako, Ang Naghihintay

Sa ngayon
ipapaubaya ko sa panahon
ang mga alaala mong likha ng kahapon.
At ibubulong sa tadhana na sana
sa mga sandaling ako'y iyong maalala
muling mabuhay ang mga damdaming pinagsaluhan
nang minsang malasing at ating inangkin
ang gabing sa aking paniniwala
ay sadyang para sa atin.

One sweet day

A letter to my future partner. Hey, a girl can't help but dream! :)

~ ~ ~

Palangga,

Wouldn't it be nice to one day walk down the aisle with you? What will you wear, my love? A tux, perhaps? Unbuttoned strategically to drive me crazy? Or maybe a dress? Regardless, you will look absolutely divine. And I will be so proud to have this breathtaking beauty to call mine. I think I will wear one of those vintage lace boudoir gowns in champagne. You know how I love everything vintage. I will let my hair down and walk barefoot towards you as you wait for me by the altar. Maybe a tear or two will fall down my cheek and I will walk ever so slowly, savoring every step to forever with you, my love. 

Or maybe it will be you walking towards me? I don't think I will be able to stand there and wait for you. I will most likely run down the aisle and grab you to make it quick. But then that would ruin the solemnity of the ceremony, wouldn't it. Alright, I will behave, my love. I've waited for a long time, what more a few minutes?

Do you imagine the beach? At sunset? The sand between our toes as we dance the night away with the people we love and who, by the grace of some overwhelming power, accept us wholeheartedly. Or maybe, if we've saved enough, we can jet off to Canada or Las Vegas and make a weekend out of it. A weekend we will never forget, worth reliving until we reach the dusk of old age. It will be filled with lots of laughs, loving anecdotes, music and poetry. 

And wine! Cheers, my love! Are you with me as we get drunk without respite? Let's drink to us and to a lifetime of love, sometimes hate, challenges we will overcome together, a small bout of financial instability, career changes, sickness, movie dates, trips to the bookstore, horror movie dates, arguments on who's going to do the ironing, candlelit dinners with me as the wannabe chef, midnight snacks of ice cream and coffee, cuddles in bed, and more cuddles everyday and night of the week. We will drink to a myriad of other things that make us both so awesome together. 

And as the night draws to a close I will rest my head on your shoulders and bask in the safety you bring. We will sway to the sweetest music and whisper romantic nothings, and exclaim, Can you believe we're married!?! We are, aren't we!?!

Believe it, my sweet. I will go down this path with you, Palangga. I will take your hand and never let go. It will be quite a ride and to hell with those who think otherwise. Count on it, my love.

Forever,

T

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This seems all so moot now. Moot and pathetic. I am so disappointed with myself this godforsaken Monday and re-reading this entry just gave me the chills (of not the good kind). I am entitled to a bad day, aren't I? Well, today it is.  


Updated: 2 April 2012; 7:53 p.m. 


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I feel better now. I guess I just needed to recognize how crappy I was feeling yesterday and go on, moving forward. 


Future partner, I still mean every word. :-)


Updated: 3 April 2012; 10:39 a.m.

What am I doing?

Hulaton ta ka.

Back to reality

I'm leaving lalaland tonight and my departure is tinged with sadness. I loved my time here. I loved going around, getting lost and confused in the trains, taking photo after photo of sights that intrigue me, sampling food and drinks I've picked up from my chats with her, and basically the most tourist-y things. I enjoyed them all, immensely.

But just now, as I'm having coffee and waiting for the time when I'd have to take flight back to Manila, a huge whiff of sadness this way came. I'm blinking back the threat of a tear, and perhaps, I am refusing the thought of goodbye to this place that gave me so much freedom. For three days, I thought of nothing and I answered to no one, and the feeling was ultimately satisfying. I felt like I was here but not really, my feet barely touching ground, hovering just above my reality. Our reality.

I hope to be back. This time with check-in luggage so I can buy all the books and all the flowy dresses I've been lusting on. (It's nice to find amusement in deeply bittersweet things, ano?)

The Gloriously Lost Girl

And this is what Andy Warhol taught me

There is beauty in the banal.

"I happen to like ordinary things."

Andy Warhol

15 Minutes Eternal

ArtScience Museum at Marina Bay Sands

25 March 2012

And this just plain called out to me:

Legs in Red High Heels, Circa 1950s
Credit to edu.warhol.org

Stymie

There's nowhere left to run.
And why? Why are you being such a stranger? Suddenly, a stranger?

You think I am speaking strangely?
You cannot understand?
Well, let me look down into your eyes,
And let me take your hand.
I am running away from danger;
I am flying before I fall;
I am going because with heart and soul
I love you -- that is all.


Anwered
Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Just because you have feelings doesn't mean you have to act on them. The L Word.

Musings from The Gloriously Lost Girl

What happens to declarations when you release them to the Universe?

Do they flit about, circling the skies, wandering, hovering over our heads, us unsuspecting, hoping, braving humans until the Cosmos decides, It's time?

When we do release them, what next? Do we wait patiently? Or do we proactively make them happen? As in, working on them and not just hoping and offering prayers, willing the Universe to heed our call, our desires, what we suppose we deserve.

Define dilemma, but maybe this is just me.