Knowing

I.

This is how, at 23, you realized you are in love --- you said Yes to that lousy deal. Which, at the time, did not seem lousy. Not at all. It was romantic; she was going to choose you in the end. Or so it seemed.

You were young, and idealistic. Armed with your bastardized notions of romantic love gathered from your dog-eared copy of Pride and Prejudice, and The Notebook.

And so you fell into the workings of it. You waited and waited for the message that would not come. 

II.

This is how, at 26, you realized it was, indeed, a lousy deal. You thought you were brave and brazen. You continued to wait. But you were dying inside. A little, everytime the message did not come.

And so you decided. Backed out from the deal. This was the time the real meaning of brazen came to you. You surrendered to the nothingness of it. And you were not scared.

III.

This is how, at 27, you realized you never really loved until you clothed yourself in words and letters and ran after your beloved in the rain, unaware of the paper, sodden, drenched revealing you naked and bare. 

And so you ask yourself --- what of the urge to mount a chase? 

What of the itch to spread your wings and fly?

This is how you, at 27, never made sense of it: The waiting. The utter surrender of your heart. The resolve to love without expecting. 

Perhaps, you thought, you are braver than you think.

IV.

But there nights, the heart, loses resolve, emerges defeated. You try to sleep it off only to awaken worst than when you succumbed to slumber.

And so you retaliate in words. Because. Because. Because. And how. And how. And how.

I love you so.

V.

But other nights, the heart, remembers, emerges beautiful. 

And this is how you made sense of it: What they meant to find it. What they meant to know the one.

And so you write letters of love, of longing, and of hope. And you whisper prayers of maybe, just maybe, she'll hear me.

Because. Because. Because. Oh how. Oh how. Oh how.

I love you so.

VI.

And yet.

This is how, at 27, you know there will be other days. There will be other nights. 

Because there will be. And you will either emerge beautiful. Or defeated.