Interesting how my site, Flotsam & Jetsam, chronicled a lot in my life then: my bout with mild depression, my coming to terms with myself about my sexuality; and way before I tackled the former two, my giddy, girlish and petty random thoughts. So methinks I'm going to keep the site, albeit no update is necessary.
I hadn't realized then that these entries spoke volumes about who I was in 2008 and 2009, how confused I was and how I tentatively tried to get a grip:
On falling in love and discovering it was with a woman:
"there's this book i got for my birthday, which i haven't
gotten around to reading yet...i will, as soon as i finish my requirements for
school and work and life and...i probably won't get to read it until i'm
ensconced in my seat on a plane ride back to Iloilo but that's another story.
moving on...the title obviously hit me. the truth about
forever... fill in the blanks, finish the darn thought... i've been
thinking...wishing, hoping is more like it...the truth about forever is that it
must exist in this special place exclusively shared by two people. of course,
this is stuff for the movies. forever is a fallacy...
lucky me... sometimes i lie in my bed just thinking and
wondering WTF have i gotten myself into. lucky me... i can't tell the world for
reasons that rank .789 in Cronbach's Alpha.
i once wrote a poem with the lines:
how i came to be me is a mystery even to myself... these
lines have never held more truth and weight until now. being who i am now? is
this really part and parcel of who i am or am i just caught up in the whirlwind
of this exquisite feeling called _________.
i'm hesitant to label the going-ons in my life right now
because it gives me a sense of finality. don't get me wrong..i'm not scared of
finding out the truth about me. i can deal..it's the process of going through
that discovery and the emotions that come with the territory are what's giving
me the jeebies.
how i feel is scaring me...it's everything and nothing."
On my bout with mild depression or extreme sadness:
"Inasmuch as I would like to act mature over what is
unfolding in my life right now, I'm afraid the circumstances prevent me from
doing so. Right now, I feel like crying. Crying over something I cannot put a
finger on. My emotions have totally spiraled out of control that they have
taken precedence over everything that constitute my life: work, relationships
with friends and family, my over-all wellbeing. Everything is an irony. I want
to be left alone yet I yearn to talk to someone who'll lend an ear. I am so
confused. I don't know what to do. I've always been a bit sarcastic and cynical
but lately, my sarcasm is out in full force. I snap at students. My moods are
ever-changing like crazy. I feel that every smile and friendly banter I share
with people is fake. I'm a fake, forcing myself to smile when all I want to do
is cry, forcing myself to function properly when all I want to do is curl up in
a ball and huddle in one corner. I feel like turning my back to the world. I just want my mom.
I don't know what's happening to me. I feel like I'm in a
nightmare where the chances of my waking up are slim. I look horrible. I am
haggard even if I've had a full night's sleep. My work is not giving me the
exhausted satisfaction I get after I've done everything and more. I used to go
to mass everyday. I've stopped going on the excuse that I'm not feeling well.
I've flirted shamelessly with someone who's in a relationship. I'm turning into
the woman I abhor the most. I have lost control over my life."
I remember 2008 and 2009 very well.
The former was just a sad, sad year for me. I remember waking up in the morning and crying; I remember falling asleep at night, exhausted from the tears. I couldn't understand why I was just so sad. It was then I started running. I'd run every given day for an hour or two at most. After each run, I'd slump down and sleep off the exhaustion. The tiredness prevented me from thinking and wallowing in my misery and confusion as to why I was so miserable. I lost so much weight which had everybody concerned for my health. The nuns would send food up to the dorm for me. I had colleagues suggest therapy and joining groups of young adults and what have you. I ignored them all and hid in my room. I didn't speak to anyone. I was like an automaton, going through the motions of everyday with nothing. Towards the last quarter of the year, I was able to break through the misery with the help of a friend, who, to my surprise, turned out to be something more.
The latter was a year of discovery and changes, although it, too, was tinged with confusion. I discovered something I think I've known for a long time but haven't explored: my attraction and love for women. I discovered love for a particular woman. I discovered love and realized it's not what it's cut out to be in the movies and in the books I've read. That it's different for everyone, and it certainly was for me. I realized that I am too much in love with love that it hampers the reality of my love at the time. I learned to deal and fight and apologize. I was humbled and learned to let go. I left pride at the door and loved, loved too much. But it was good.
Looking back, I'm seeing how I've grown, how I'm much more kinder to myself and to other people, and how, I'm hopefully a much better person. I've learned how to make it work. It being life and everything in between. Love, on the other hand, is something of a work in progress. But isn't that to be expected? In love, all we can do is try. That, and take a chance.
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