Love's imaginings

It's blistering hot and yet pieces of love and letters are floating in my head, seemingly oblivious to the humidity of a warm summer night. They fill my thoughts and in my mind's eye, I see them clear as day, ready to be plucked from the air and immortalized, cached and compartmentalized. Sometimes, thoughts of love and romance move you and you can't help but be swayed. Sway along with me.

~~~

"Hey, I think you forgot my goodbye kiss."

I was almost at the top step of the apartment complex where we live when you called out. I turned around and saw you looking impishly at me. Your eyes told me I had done something quite inconsiderate in your book. I hopped down the stairs and threw my arms around you. As  I leaned in for a kiss I whispered, "Did you forget? Right there by the archway when I helped you put on your coat," then I kissed you lightly, lingering on your lower lip, nibbling it just a little.

You smiled. "Gotcha! Why are you such an easy target, my love?" 

I groaned, "You do this all the time! There will come a day when I will no longer believe everything you say, love. Just wait and see."

"You believe everything I say, hun," you smirked and gave me that half-smile I most adore. The one you know I can never say 'no' to. Just last night, that smile had me whimpering underneath rumpled sexy satin sheets. 

"No. Nuh uh. Not this time. There will be no more gullible me." I swore vehemently. I reached over and fixed your collar, looked at you straight in the eye and said, "Starting today, I will no longer believe everything you say."

"Oh, yeah?" Your eyes were endless pools of mischief just for the briefest of moments. In less than a fraction of an electric second, they magically turned serious as they bore down on mine. I took a deep breath, steeled myself for what was to come. 


"I love you to the moon and back. I love you today and everyday for the rest of our lives."

I sniffed, "So you say. Go on, you'll be late."

"Alright, call me later?"

I smiled, "Maybe."

As soon as you disappeared around the bend, I rushed to the apartment and grabbed my phone. You picked up at the second ring. "I love you, too, you big doofus."

Because yes, you know me so well. Yes, because I do love you to the moon and back a billion times. In fact, I love you in every way anyone has ever loved.

~~~

Yet sometimes, love chooses to leave, despite and in spite of how hard we fight for it or how long we wait. 

~~~

“I’m leaving,” I say. She looks at me with blank eyes I’ve come to loathe. She thinks I’m pulling her leg. A smile begins to form in the corners of her mouth and she dissolves in laughter. I wait for the tremors to subside. 


“Are you done?” I ask quietly. She looks up and frowns. I know she sees the seriousness in my eyes. Her frown deepens. She sees something else.

“Yes, I’m tired.” I reply to a query she has yet to voice out. She drops her face into her hands and lets out a groan. “What have I done?” She mumbles. I refuse to answer not because I want to be intentionally cruel but because the words won’t come. For the life of me, I am at a loss for words. 


“Please, don’t come looking.” I tell her, my hands lightly touching her arm. “I don’t want to be found.”

“At the very least, tell me why.” She grabs my hand and imprisons them in her own. The warmth is distracting, conjuring images in my mind. I shake my head in an effort to forget and I hastily pull back my hand. “Moot point,” I reason out. “You wouldn’t understand.”


“Try me,” she answers sardonically.

“I want to.” I turn away as traitorous eyes threatened to dim with unshed tears. I focus on a bunch of roses blooming in the English garden we both painstakingly tried to maintain. 

“We vowed to make this work,” she says. “I chose you, remember?”

“I know,” I murmur. “I’ve never thanked you enough for choosing me.”

“If that’s what’s bothering you, forget it. I don’t regret choosing you.” I can feel her pacing around in the room. I feel the desperation in her every step. She lays a questioning hand on my shoulder, wordlessly asking permission to take me into her arms and crush this folly away.

Love's folly indeed.

What's in a name?

Her kiss. Her touch. Her name. This thing we have. The thing that inexplicably, unexpectedly existed before it needed a name. Name, name, name, name it into a pedestal. Explain it and say it. Name it all, everything. Damn you, name that feeling, that sense, that energy; name you and me and us and what you want, and how you want and what this is and what it will be and what you will be and what we can be and what we will be. Tell me what this is now that it wasn't before. Name the thing that makes it real. Tell me the true story of the origins of life on Earth and name the route that got us from there to here, then to now; us.


From nothing comes something. Names come after. After the longing of unknown cause, the wish never whispered, the thought never shared, the feeling that explodes, the experience that sparkles and blinds, the inventions, the creations, the ache that flares, the thing, that thing, the something that was not here before and now is here, big as the world and wide as the sky; the feeling of her as she steps close. The exquisite feeling of her arms around you. Her lips. Her strength. Her beauty. Her smile that beguiles. Her mind that intrigues. Her voice that enchants. Her words that captivate.


Naming captures. Holds. Forever. Even if what is named changes, evolves, morphs into something else, fades, wanes, disappears, goes extinct or magically reappears. A woman loves a woman. Naming a thing calls it into existence, calls it to attention, heralds its arrival and achievements and failures and its place, its right to exist -- and to be -- in our very human world.

Ngaa padayun kita nga nagahigugma?

Ngaa? Bisan pila na ka beses nga nabigo, nga nasakitan? Kalaw-ay pa naman sang pamatyag nga ikaw gin bayaan sang tawo nga tuman mo guid nga palangga. Ako, sang una nga beses ko nabatian nga indi na niya gusto nga mag-padayun pa ang amon relasyon, daw indi ako kaginhawa. Nagpin-ot ang akon dughan. Sobra kasakit sang akon nabatyagan, daw indi mag-untat ang mga luha. Pila man ka oras ang akon pag-hibi, asta mag-gabi kag asta nag-abot ang sunod nga adlaw. Abi ko wala na ko may ihibi. Pero sa sunod nga gab-i, pagkatapos sang isa ka adlaw nga paghimakas sa akon ulobrahan, pagpuli ko sa balay kag nakit-an ko ang katre nga wala mahimus, nadumduman ko liwat ang natabo sang kahapon kag padayun ako nga nag-hibi. Isa ka tuig man ako nga nag-antus pero wala man ako sang iban nga basulon kung indi ang akon lawas. Kahuluya pero padayun ako nga nag-laum nga magbaylo ang iya pinsar. Galeng, kung kaisa may mga bagay nga indi na pwede ibalik  bisan pila pa ka pangamuyo ang imu ihalad.

Sa tanan nga kasakit, mabalik kita sa palamangkutanon kung ngaa padayun kita nga nagahigugma. Simple lang. Masadya ang may ginahigugma. Pero mas masadya kung kamu gahigugmaanay. Lain guid man kung may isa ka tawo nga nagapalangga sa imu. Ang nakaintiendi sa imu, ang ara lang dira kung kahinanglan mo. Syempre, dapat ara ka man para magdaho sang imu suporta kung siya naman ang may kinahanglan. Dapat patas ang pagpalangga ninyo sa isa kag isa. Patas ang paghatag kag patas man ang pagbaton. Amu ina ang paghigugma. Indi kahinanglan sa tanan nga oras masinadyahon. Ang importante handa kamu pareho nga antuson ang kung ano man nga problema nga maabot sa inyo pangabuhi.

Para sa akon, nga isa ka tomboy o lesbyana, indi ko mapunggan ang mga palamangkutanon nga... ako ayhan makakita sang paghigugma nga lubos? Nga kung may isa ka babayi sa bilog nga kalibutan nga palanggaon ako bisan  ano ako ka suplada, artehan, alabuton kag kung kaisa mabudlay intyendihun? Kag kung mag-abot man sya sa akon kabuhi, kami ayhan magadugay? Indi ko mapunggan ang mga palamangkutanon nga ini tungod ang paghigugma sang mga lesbyana wala gihapon ginakilala sang sociodad bisan ano pa ka moderno ang panahon sa subong. Kag siguro, bangud nasakitan guid ko sa natabo sa una ko nga relasyon, nakulbaan man ako siguro magpalangga liwat. Basi indi ko na kayanon ang masakitan liwat, ang pamatyag nga daw gin labo ka sa tagipusuon.

Pero bisan amu ini ang akon nabatyagan, indi ko kahulat nga may makilala nga babayi nga tani magbag-o sang akon panumduman. Ang maging instrumento para ako magpati liwat sa kakusog sang paghigugma. Gusto ko maging masadya liwat, ang mabatyagan ang haluk kag hakus sang isa ka babayi nga palangga ako kag ang palanggaun ko man sang matuod. Pero bag-o ko ihatag ang pagpalangga ko sa iya kung siya mag-abot, importante nga ibalik ko ang pagpalangga ko sa akon kaugalingon. Tagaan importansya ang kalawason kag maging malipayon bisan naga-isahanon.