In which I can't stop writing

Delubyo

Walang pakundangan ang pag-agos ng mga itim na luha sa mga namumula kong pisngi. Pagod. Pagod na'ko sa kakaiyak. At sa kakaisip. Ilang gabi din kitang hinintay, ilang gabing ibinaon ko sa alak ang delubyong dulot mo sa pobre kong puso.

Ngayon nanunumbalik ang mga alaala mo, mga alaala nating dalawa. Ang mga lasing na simula. Mga patagong halik sa kwarto ni Tina, ang mahigpit mong yakap sa hagdan habang nakatalikod si Cara. Ang muling pagkikita at ang pagpapasya na, "Ano? Akin ka na lang ha."

Mistulang bagyo kang dumating sa buhay ko. At nagpakalunod ako sa paanyaya ng iyong matatamis na halik at sa mga nakakahumaling mong bulong, dala ang pangako ng marahas at madamdaming pagtatalik. Puso, katawan, buong buo kong inialay sa'yo ang sarili ko.

Sayang, at kinailangang humantong sa ganito. Ang palitan ng masasakit na salita, kung saan mangiyak-ngiyak akong nagmakaawa na, "Huwag muna ngayon, saka na natin pag-usapan ito. Saka na. Pakiusap, saka na."

Sa loob-loob ko, "Hindi na. Ayoko na." Bukas na ang mga mata ko sa katotohanang tapos na ang lahat, at walang sukling maiaabot ang nasalanta kong puso kundi, "Patawad, minsang mahal. Huli na ang lahat para sa ating dalawa."

Ganun pa man, "Salamat." 

Tandaan mo, wala nagkasala, biktima lamang tayo ng mapaglarong tadhana. 

Ang Sagot

Ako, Ang Naghihintay

Sa ngayon
ipapaubaya ko sa panahon
ang mga alaala mong likha ng kahapon.
At ibubulong sa tadhana na sana
sa mga sandaling ako'y iyong maalala
muling mabuhay ang mga damdaming pinagsaluhan
nang minsang malasing at ating inangkin
ang gabing sa aking paniniwala
ay sadyang para sa atin.

One sweet day

A letter to my future partner. Hey, a girl can't help but dream! :)

~ ~ ~

Palangga,

Wouldn't it be nice to one day walk down the aisle with you? What will you wear, my love? A tux, perhaps? Unbuttoned strategically to drive me crazy? Or maybe a dress? Regardless, you will look absolutely divine. And I will be so proud to have this breathtaking beauty to call mine. I think I will wear one of those vintage lace boudoir gowns in champagne. You know how I love everything vintage. I will let my hair down and walk barefoot towards you as you wait for me by the altar. Maybe a tear or two will fall down my cheek and I will walk ever so slowly, savoring every step to forever with you, my love. 

Or maybe it will be you walking towards me? I don't think I will be able to stand there and wait for you. I will most likely run down the aisle and grab you to make it quick. But then that would ruin the solemnity of the ceremony, wouldn't it. Alright, I will behave, my love. I've waited for a long time, what more a few minutes?

Do you imagine the beach? At sunset? The sand between our toes as we dance the night away with the people we love and who, by the grace of some overwhelming power, accept us wholeheartedly. Or maybe, if we've saved enough, we can jet off to Canada or Las Vegas and make a weekend out of it. A weekend we will never forget, worth reliving until we reach the dusk of old age. It will be filled with lots of laughs, loving anecdotes, music and poetry. 

And wine! Cheers, my love! Are you with me as we get drunk without respite? Let's drink to us and to a lifetime of love, sometimes hate, challenges we will overcome together, a small bout of financial instability, career changes, sickness, movie dates, trips to the bookstore, horror movie dates, arguments on who's going to do the ironing, candlelit dinners with me as the wannabe chef, midnight snacks of ice cream and coffee, cuddles in bed, and more cuddles everyday and night of the week. We will drink to a myriad of other things that make us both so awesome together. 

And as the night draws to a close I will rest my head on your shoulders and bask in the safety you bring. We will sway to the sweetest music and whisper romantic nothings, and exclaim, Can you believe we're married!?! We are, aren't we!?!

Believe it, my sweet. I will go down this path with you, Palangga. I will take your hand and never let go. It will be quite a ride and to hell with those who think otherwise. Count on it, my love.

Forever,

T

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This seems all so moot now. Moot and pathetic. I am so disappointed with myself this godforsaken Monday and re-reading this entry just gave me the chills (of not the good kind). I am entitled to a bad day, aren't I? Well, today it is.  


Updated: 2 April 2012; 7:53 p.m. 


========================================================================


I feel better now. I guess I just needed to recognize how crappy I was feeling yesterday and go on, moving forward. 


Future partner, I still mean every word. :-)


Updated: 3 April 2012; 10:39 a.m.

What am I doing?

Hulaton ta ka.

Back to reality

I'm leaving lalaland tonight and my departure is tinged with sadness. I loved my time here. I loved going around, getting lost and confused in the trains, taking photo after photo of sights that intrigue me, sampling food and drinks I've picked up from my chats with her, and basically the most tourist-y things. I enjoyed them all, immensely.

But just now, as I'm having coffee and waiting for the time when I'd have to take flight back to Manila, a huge whiff of sadness this way came. I'm blinking back the threat of a tear, and perhaps, I am refusing the thought of goodbye to this place that gave me so much freedom. For three days, I thought of nothing and I answered to no one, and the feeling was ultimately satisfying. I felt like I was here but not really, my feet barely touching ground, hovering just above my reality. Our reality.

I hope to be back. This time with check-in luggage so I can buy all the books and all the flowy dresses I've been lusting on. (It's nice to find amusement in deeply bittersweet things, ano?)

The Gloriously Lost Girl

And this is what Andy Warhol taught me

There is beauty in the banal.

"I happen to like ordinary things."

Andy Warhol

15 Minutes Eternal

ArtScience Museum at Marina Bay Sands

25 March 2012

And this just plain called out to me:

Legs in Red High Heels, Circa 1950s
Credit to edu.warhol.org

Stymie

There's nowhere left to run.
And why? Why are you being such a stranger? Suddenly, a stranger?

You think I am speaking strangely?
You cannot understand?
Well, let me look down into your eyes,
And let me take your hand.
I am running away from danger;
I am flying before I fall;
I am going because with heart and soul
I love you -- that is all.


Anwered
Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Just because you have feelings doesn't mean you have to act on them. The L Word.

Musings from The Gloriously Lost Girl

What happens to declarations when you release them to the Universe?

Do they flit about, circling the skies, wandering, hovering over our heads, us unsuspecting, hoping, braving humans until the Cosmos decides, It's time?

When we do release them, what next? Do we wait patiently? Or do we proactively make them happen? As in, working on them and not just hoping and offering prayers, willing the Universe to heed our call, our desires, what we suppose we deserve.

Define dilemma, but maybe this is just me.

The Gloriously Lost Girl

So I'm waiting for boarding and couldn't resist a quickie post. This is my first time out of the country alone. And I love it. I've always valued my alone time and while this trip was initially planned under different circumstances, it's turning out to be quite interesting and I'm sipping my coffee with bated breaths, eagerly anticipating what adventure or misadventure awaits me.

Needless to say (This is an editorial bane; why say it if it need not be said? But on this trip, I'm no editor or writer. I'm just going to be "me" stripped off of every facet/mask or what have you I put on every single day.), this trip is just what I need.

For almost a year now, I've toyed with the idea of escaping. Jetting off somewhere I haven't been before and get in touch with me, raw. It never happened. And then something unexpectedly sweet occurred which gave way to this. This flying off to get "gloriously lost." I love this phrase -- gloriously lost. It speaks of utter abandon, complete craziness, sweet surrender to the moment and just being. I'm thinking of making this an annual thing. To book a ticket and get lost. I reckon this will be good for my soul and my over-thinking, over-analyzing mind.

So, THANK YOU.
You know who you are.
You.

Love, kisses and bulletproof marshmallows,

The Gloriously Lost Girl

Too funny for words!

You gotta love the Marketing Team. Beer, beer, beer when I get back, you guys! And I want them nachos!

LN ad courtesy of The Great Pino "Bodyshot" Meru.

Hulat anay, Calliope

"Next time, ha? Promise?" Sige, padayun lang sa pag-yuhum. Indi magpahalata nga nasubuan ka sa iya pagpang-indi.

Liwat.
Liwat-liwat nga pagpang-indi.

"Yup, I promise. Damu guid ko may gina ubra subong abi." She has such nice eyes. God, daw malunod ako sa iya mga mata. Mga mata nga tani gilayon nga nakikita ang akon pag-hanga sa iya.

Kalimti na lang na siya, siling sang bungog ko.
Kung tani amu lang na ka simple, sabat sang tagipusuon ko.

"Asahan ko na ha..." Stop! Stop it already. At the risk of being makulit, "Promise?"

Bwisit ka! Paghuramentado sang tagipusuon ko. Why can't you see? Kanugon sang mga mata mo nga daw perlas sa kaanyag. Damn you, I've fallen for you completely.


"Haha. Sige, sige." 



Sige, akon ang hutik nga may dala nga paglaum, sa sunod nga tigpalanyaga.




To be continued...

For now

I will give in to the vulnerability and let them (tears) flow.
Tomorrow, it (I) will be ok.
But tonight I will feel, recognize, and (try to) let go.





Stilettista's note: I should spare the interwebs some of my emotional bullshit. Honestly, sometimes I think I have the emotional strength the size of an ant. Pft! 

Erato, sa diin ka na?

"Dali, manyaga na ta. Are you coming?"

"Sige lang, dire lang ko. May mga talapuson pa ko." Leche ang bibig nga indi mapunggan, hambal sang kasingkasing ko nga daw ginagapos sang iya matam-is nga yuhum. 

Ok, fine. Ginagapos minus the "daw". 

Diyos ko! Ang matam-is nya nga yuhum, nga daw sinag sang adlaw sa maulan-ulan nga hapon. Pwerte katahum. Pwerte kabuot. Kag pwerte kamasinadyahon. 

Ambot na lang kung sa diin ako puluton sining "crush" nga ini. Pila na ko ka tuig dire sa kalibutan? Hay, tigulang na ko para magka-"crush". 

But no. 

I repeat, Diyos ko!!!

"Ti, indi ka guid mapilit?" May paglaum sa iya maanyag nga mga mata. 

Ay linte! Kag nag-yuhum pa siya liwat. Daw indi ko ka pang-indi haw. 

Ginhawa sang madalum, kag, "Sorry, I can't." 

Fuck, I want to say "Yes, I'd like to go with you. Anywhere. Take me away." bisan panyaga lang ang iya buot silingun.

To be continued…

Ako na ang sappy

Faithfully

Journey

Highway run into the midnight sun

Wheels go round and round

You're on my mind

Restless hearts sleep alone tonight

Sending all my love along the wire

They say that the road ain't the place to start a family

Right down the line it's been you and me

And loving a music (wo)man ain't always what it's supposed to be

Girl

You stand by me

I'm forever yours

Faithfully

Circus life under the big top world

We all need the clowns to make us laugh

Through space and time

Always another show

Wondering where I am, lost without you

And being apart ain't easy on this love affair

Two strangers learn to love again

I get the joy of rediscovering you

Oh, girl

You stand by me

I'm forever yours

Faithfully

I'm still yours

I'm forever yours

Ever yours

Faithfully

I don't know what is it with this song. It gets me every time. And I mean every time! Yeah, sappy as sappy gets. That's yours truly. Sometimes you have to wonder at how some people are so lucky in the love department. Those who end up with their first loves? Or those who need not look? Need not say goodbye? Those who know? Haha. I can only hope. This is one area where you have to be absolute. To not expect, not even wish. Instead, just hope. Anyhoo, I'm supposed to be working on an editing task. But here I am, getting emotional over music (read: procrastinating).

I will be packing in a bit. Flying off a thousand miles away to get gloriously lost in lalaland. I'm a little apprehensive and excited at the same time. There's been talk for a year now about just packing a bag, booking a ticket, getting lost with my thoughts for a while, preferably in a some beach and have nothing to show for but sunburn. Never happened. I got lost in life instead.

I know I could have just forgotten about this trip, re-booked it or something, but hey, what have I got to lose? I'm sure it's going to be interesting and to quote Cecil, "You deserve this, Ta. You need to get away, disappear. And what better place than somewhere you haven't been before?" So true, Chechelia. It would be nice to get away from Makati for a little bit what with its many memories biting my less-than-luscious behind. There will be no forgetting but to forget for a while? Now, that's bliss.

I will deal with the memories (realities?) when I get back. Like I always do. Deal.

(Non)sense

Caveat: This post doesn't necessarily have to make sense.


1:30 a.m. -- As I hugged my officemate goodbye, I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. Part of it was of her leaving but I could not be entirely sad because she was moving on to better things. She has done her lion's share of waiting. Served time, if I may be so trite. Needless to say, it was time she got a move on and the perfect opportunity had risen. I am happy for her; it was the circumstance that was bringing on the melancholy. These past couple of months has seen a whirlwind of hellos and goodbyes, and "What? Another learning experience?"

I am not complaining. A huge chunk of living is that we are always beginning, always starting something that will unfold unexpectedly. There is beauty and a certain kind of sadness in these words. Sometimes things happen and expectations fall short. Sometimes these beginnings are so exquisite in their beauty that one can't help but be amazed and pleasantly surprised at the odds of these ever happening.

2:00 a.m. -- Opening my door, I am welcomed by the darkness in my apartment. Coming home is a standstill. For most, this respite is welcome. But for some, this, too, can be maddening. In transit, one is mobile, always preoccupied to really delve into the reality of certain emotionally charged experiences. In transit, you don't think, you just move.

Living alone has its perks. The independence is exhilarating. The space is liberating. You learn to create, discern and get to know yourself again and again and again. Independence is a great teacher and an even greater equalizer. It grounds you and snatches your head from its lofty position high up in the clouds. It does get overrated, alas. Independence is being alone. Independence is being constantly strong. Independence is just dealing.

Sometimes you don't want to be alone.
Sometimes you are vulnerable.
Sometimes you don't want to deal.
Sometimes you just want to be human.
Sometimes you don't want to come home to an empty apartment.

2:30 a.m. -- Sleep has eluded me yet again. I yearn to fall into slumber and dream dreams of beautiful beginnings. My soul calls out to the Universe, to calm my heart into a silent throb and to dull my mind's raging frenzy. I could sleep forever, my love, with you in my dreams.

In vino

The sharp, aggressive smell hits me almost instantly as soon as I open the bottle. With trembling fingers I pour the wine, careful not to overdo it. I want to savor it, be one with it, get lost in it and momentarily forget that there is something, some perplexity resonating within.

I take a tentative sip and taste the tangy, the tart, the nervy, the racy and the zesty flavors that define my poison of choice tonight. Mind racing, nerves all in a bind, I am a jumbled mess of turmoil and confusion. I look to the wine to render me calm. Calm my nerves, calm my racy heart and perhaps pick it up from its perch on my sleeve.

Another sip. Stronger this time. But still lacking in resolve. It is not just the nerves, there is hurt lurking. Just a sliver, a tiny shard. Hard lesson learned, I see the need to be honest, to not allow my words, my questions and my speculations eat me alive. Words unsaid, questions unanswered are the death of a wondering heart.

A big gulp. The wine goes down smoothly this time. And my body welcomes it whole as if heaving a sigh. Of resignation? Or of acceptance? I choose to accept. The belief that people are bigger than certain circumstances that seemingly weigh them down play on repeat in my mind. These words, they hold true for me and for you.

Ngaa padayun kita nga nagahigugma?

Ngaa? Bisan pila na ka beses nga nabigo, nga nasakitan? Kalaw-ay pa naman sang pamatyag nga ikaw gin bayaan sang tawo nga tuman mo guid nga palangga. Ako, sang una nga beses ko nabatian nga indi na niya gusto nga mag-padayun pa ang amon relasyon, daw indi ako kaginhawa. Nagpin-ot ang akon dughan. Sobra kasakit sang akon nabatyagan, daw indi mag-untat ang mga luha. Pila man ka oras ang akon pag-hibi, asta mag-gabi kag asta nag-abot ang sunod nga adlaw. Abi ko wala na ko may ihibi. Pero sa sunod nga gab-i, pagkatapos sang isa ka adlaw nga paghimakas sa akon ulobrahan, pagpuli ko sa balay kag nakit-an ko ang katre nga wala mahimus, nadumduman ko liwat ang natabo sang kahapon kag padayun ako nga nag-hibi. Isa ka tuig man ako nga nag-antus pero wala man ako sang iban nga basulon kung indi ang akon lawas. Kahuluya pero padayun ako nga nag-laum nga magbaylo ang iya pinsar. Galeng, kung kaisa may mga bagay nga indi na pwede ibalik  bisan pila pa ka pangamuyo ang imu ihalad.

Sa tanan nga kasakit, mabalik kita sa palamangkutanon kung ngaa padayun kita nga nagahigugma. Simple lang. Masadya ang may ginahigugma. Pero mas masadya kung kamu gahigugmaanay. Lain guid man kung may isa ka tawo nga nagapalangga sa imu. Ang nakaintiendi sa imu, ang ara lang dira kung kahinanglan mo. Syempre, dapat ara ka man para magdaho sang imu suporta kung siya naman ang may kinahanglan. Dapat patas ang pagpalangga ninyo sa isa kag isa. Patas ang paghatag kag patas man ang pagbaton. Amu ina ang paghigugma. Indi kahinanglan sa tanan nga oras masinadyahon. Ang importante handa kamu pareho nga antuson ang kung ano man nga problema nga maabot sa inyo pangabuhi.

Para sa akon, nga isa ka tomboy o lesbyana, indi ko mapunggan ang mga palamangkutanon nga... ako ayhan makakita sang paghigugma nga lubos? Nga kung may isa ka babayi sa bilog nga kalibutan nga palanggaon ako bisan  ano ako ka suplada, artehan, alabuton kag kung kaisa mabudlay intyendihun? Kag kung mag-abot man sya sa akon kabuhi, kami ayhan magadugay? Indi ko mapunggan ang mga palamangkutanon nga ini tungod ang paghigugma sang mga lesbyana wala gihapon ginakilala sang sociodad bisan ano pa ka moderno ang panahon sa subong. Kag siguro, bangud nasakitan guid ko sa natabo sa una ko nga relasyon, nakulbaan man ako siguro magpalangga liwat. Basi indi ko na kayanon ang masakitan liwat, ang pamatyag nga daw gin labo ka sa tagipusuon.

Pero bisan amu ini ang akon nabatyagan, indi ko kahulat nga may makilala nga babayi nga tani magbag-o sang akon panumduman. Ang maging instrumento para ako magpati liwat sa kakusog sang paghigugma. Gusto ko maging masadya liwat, ang mabatyagan ang haluk kag hakus sang isa ka babayi nga palangga ako kag ang palanggaun ko man sang matuod. Pero bag-o ko ihatag ang pagpalangga ko sa iya kung siya mag-abot, importante nga ibalik ko ang pagpalangga ko sa akon kaugalingon. Tagaan importansya ang kalawason kag maging malipayon bisan naga-isahanon.

Somewhere feeling lonely

I just realized that I have this tendency to jot down my thoughts in whatever piece of paper I can find. As I went through the last few pages of my task planner, I came across several scribbles; some were nothing but ramblings and others, such as the one I'm reprinting below, were laced with pretty strong emotions.

"For all I know, Ernest Dale Conway II, I could have some undiscovered mental disorder. Self-motivation is just out of the question when I can't even bring myself to wash my face at night, and when getting up in the morning is a chore. The only level I seek right now is anything higher -- a few inches, maybe -- from this dump I'm in. It's so easy to be philosophical in this regard, Ernest Dale Conway II, so bring it on. Hit me with your best philosophical bullshit. Because I really need it to get out of bed in the morning."


In answer to "Self-motivation is the key to raising a man to any level he seeks." - Ernest Dale Conway II

I'm sorry, Mr. Conway, I was in a less than pleasant place. But hey, I'm better now. So we'll see about scribbling a little something positive in answer to your words, yeah? But now, allow me to get a grip of this happiness -- relief if you may -- and soon, we will write something, something a little less abrasive, rabid and depressing. The world could use more happy people, I always say.